Monday, March 21, 2005

Your Screenplay Sucked Anyway

Here in Los Angeles, a town where everyone is trying to get in with the industry, you gotta say it like it is.

Now on the racks at Arclight Cinema's gift shop, eEvil Ink "Your Screenplay Sucked Anyway" tees are the ONLY thing you should wear to the wrap party for that low-budget excuse for filmmaking you just spent two weeks of your life hustling over without respectible craft-services.

Soon to join their "Screenplay Sucked" brethren ~ "Your Movie Sucked Anyway" and "Your Audition Sucked Anyway" will be on the shelves later this week. Also soon-to-be available at the Arclight, an assortment of our lovely break-up cards.

Arclight Cinemas
6360 W Sunset Blvd (between Vine and Ivar, with DeLongpre to the south) Los Angeles, CA
T: 323-464-1478
http://www.arclightcinemas.com/

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

The History of the Top Hat

From renowned fashion historian John Berendt:

[The] "top hat caused a riot the first time it was seen in London. The perpetrator was a haberdasher name John Hetherington, who designed it, made it and was the first person to wear it into the street. According to a contemporary newspaper account, passersby panicked at the sight.

Several women fainted, children screamed, dogs yelped, and an errand boy’s arm was broken when he was trampled by the mob.

Hetherington was hauled into court for wearing 'a tall structure having a shining luster calculated to frighten timid people.'

It was much ado about nothing, really; Hetherington had merely concocted a silk-covered variation of the contemporary riding hat, which had a wider brim, a lower crown, and was made of beaver. There was initial resistance to Hetherington’s silk topper from those who wanted to continue wearing beaver hats. But in 1850 Prince Albert started wearing top hats made of "hatter’s plush" (a fine silk shag), and that effectively settled the questions; coincidentally it also all but wiped out the beaver-trapping industry in America. "


And we say, if that's not eEvil, what the hell is?

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Advantages of the Cape

In a world filled with jackets, coats, and even so-called hoodies, the cape has long been ignored as a choice for keeping off the cold and stepping out in style.

Imagine the entrance you would make at your favorite watering hole if you gave up your trite hipster jacket and exchanged it for a long black cape (hood optional). We believe you would find yourself to be the instant (and profoundly gratified) talk of the joint.

While the fashion-forwardness of the cape is an important consideration, we would also like to point out that the cape also has certain, er, eEvil advantages to other outerwear.

Number one: It's almost impossible for anyone to know what you have under that thing. It is ideal for masking an uncomely handbag or man-bag, a variety of salty snacks, and any other items you might find helpful in making your night (or day) a success, including but not limited to: important business documents, a change of attire, cigarettes, your coin purse, rope, and small furry mammals.

Number two: In addition to masking things, the cape also masks less than flattering aspects of you. Have you recently found that your stomach, behind, or the unwholesome growth on your right arm have started to expand? We say, why waste your time on exercise or ointments, when you can simply hide away your unseemly parts beneath a cape!

Recommended cape accessories include stove-pipe hats, elaborately waxed moustaches, and eEvil Ink t-shirts. A certain amount of chest hair and chutzpah is also suggested.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Cultivating Your Stink Eye

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept of the evil eye it is "the name for a sickness transmitted by someone who is envious, jealous, or covetous. It is also called the invidious eye and the envious eye...The evil eye belief is that a person -- otherwise not malific in any way -- can harm you, your children, your livestock, or your fruit trees, by looking at them..."
--luckymojo.com

Here at eEvil Ink, we prefer the term "stink eye" to "evil eye." This variation on the term encompasses a greater range of the senses, implying that the eye not only looks foul, but contains a pungent smell.

And we work constantly to cultivate our stink eye powers! Of course, we ourselves are immune to the stink eye, since we stink eye each other back and forth to the point where we can simply laugh it off or, occasionlly, engage in a stink eye battle, wherein the curse to be transmitted gets caught in the middle of our locked stinky gazes and falls helplessly to the floor.

Still, we find our skills quite helpful in the face of slow-witted cashiers, most Los Angeles-area motor vehicle drivers, and certain round-bellied neighbors. Should you wish to cultivate your own stink eye powers, we recommend the following regimen:

1. While having dinner with friends, transporting yourself on a bus or train, or at the office, close your eyes and then open them as suddenly and widely as possible.

2. Direct your gaze towards your target.

3. Gradually, squint one eye while arching the brow of the other. (Note: you will soon learn whether you're a righty or a lefty.)

4. While it is not strictly necessary, and certainly not for amatuers, a sneer or curl of the lip adds an extra urgency to the stench of your stink eye.

5. With the remaining fully opened eye (the one under the arched brow) unblinkingly stare at the object of your curse with as much hatred and and anger as you can muster. Draw from your childhood or teenage experiences if necessary.

6. Sustain as long as possible.

7. If you do not find instant results, never fear! We are quite sure your victim will remember your stinky gaze.

In the meantime, and we cannot emphasize this enough, practice, practice, practice! Soon, it will become a natural reflex, like breathing or tying your victims to railroad tracks.


Please note: DO NOT practice this in the mirror, unless you can duck with extraordinary speed and agility. It is possible you will become the victim of your own stench.

And truly, it is foul.

If for some reason you are unable to perfect your stink eye technique, may we also reccomend choosing one of our break-up cards for your victim? We believe you will find that giving someone a card that reads "later f*cker" or "your band sucked anyway" will also achieve the desired effect.



Thursday, March 03, 2005

Vacationing for the Masses

Even villains long for a bit of a get-away now and again, riding the rails to their secret lairs; sunning themselves casually by the pool with a mai tai, sorting out their plots for world domination, reading absurdly long New Yorker articles; snorkeling from time to time.

Apparently, though, the rest of the world prefers to travel en masse, all going to the same destinations. According to the American Society of Travel Agents, for the socially, er, challenged, the North American places to avoid are as follows:

Top 5 Destinations For Skiing:

1. Vail.
2. Whistler, B.C.
3. Park City.
4. Salt Lake City.
5. Jackson Hole

Top 5 Destinations For Shopping:

1. New York City
2. Chicago
3. Locally
4. Las Vegas
5. Mall of America/Minneapolis (If you happen to be in Minnesota, you should also take the time to have a tacone at Cone Eddie's Cone Shack. You won't be disappointed.)

Top 15 Winter Vacation Destinations:

With Kids:

1. Orlando
2. Disney : Disney general
3. Disney World
4. Disney Land

Couples Under 40:

1. Cancun
2. Caribbean
3. Mexico
4. Hawaii
5. Las Vegas

Couples Over 60:

1. Cruises
2. Hawaii
3. Florida
4. Las Vegas
5. Caribbean

SLU (so, like, um) we won't be seeing you there...

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Joining the eEvil Empire

It may surprise some of you to learn that, here at eEvil Ink, we actually do more than sit around and come up with funny cards and crack ourselves up. Yes, there are days like that, but plenty of other days where we have to go around acting like we run a business. Today, we decided we'd finally get our UPC sh*t together. Not that big of a deal really, just a little investment in time and money. The kicker is how much information those little monsters hold and how much they mean to the outside world.

For those of you who don't know your barcodes from your neighborhood bars, a bit of a primer:

UPC stands for universal product code. After you cough up your bucks, you're assigned a manufacturer number, so all the world knows who the hell made that thing you're holding. That's just the first six digits. The next six digits describe what the hell that thing you're holding is.

Now if people were barcoded, we'd all have our parents' manufacturers numbers, as well as a series of six digits that described the key elements about us--we could go around scanning each other and there would be no more mystery in the world. You would never have to say, what the f*ck is wrong with that guy? It'd be written all over his face.

And of course, you'd also know how many of him have been sold and whether or not you should re-order. If he is an eEvil Ink product, the answer of course is, yes, you should re-order and damn it, buy twice as many this time.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Speaking of Villainy...

Reposted from www.anitaroddick.com, our favorite catch of the day in the sea of the "internets"....

DISPATCH: Genetically Modified Mesopotamia Posted on February 8, 2005 by Anita Roddick

Welcome to the new millennium, Iraq. Now, like farmers in many other developing nations, Iraqi farmers are no longer allowed to keep the seeds from their crops, even if those strains of seeds have been in their families and communities for centuries. No, now farmers will have to buy their seeds from massive megaconglomerates like Monsanto. It's all part of the new economic plan for the country from its liberators in Washington, DC and London. Like farmers elsewhere in the world, Iraqis will be forced to buy seeds from Monsanto or AstraZeneca which have been genetically modified to resist pests and weeds. Of course, they also require special chemicals and fertilizers, which are also only available from those companies. The result is the virtual enslavement of Iraqi farmers to Western corporations. And it's just plain wrong. This is profiteering on the backs of a people who did not ask for this. What kind of "freedom" are we spreading when it comes with the price of livelihood and tradition?


Read more about Anita Roddick, founder of the Body Shop, real live British "Dame", and activist here.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

eEvilyn Diddley Scott, I Presume

In case you've yet to do your reading up on the biography and habits of the mysterious stovepipe-hatted man on the back of our cards & t-shirts, may we introduce eEvilyn Diddley Scott? We also suggest learning the strange and wonderful history of his pants.

If that's not enough villainy for you, consider these thoughtful thoughts on the subject:

"An excellent man, like precious metal, is in every way invariable; A villain, like the beams of a balance, is always varying, upwards and downwards, himself his own dungeon. "
-Saskya Pandita, 1182-1251, Tibetan Grand Lama of Saskya

"As there is a use in medicine for poisons, so the world cannot move without rogues."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-1882, American Poet, Essayist

"As for an authentic villain, the real thing, the absolute, the artist, one rarely meets him even once in a lifetime. The ordinary bad hat is always in part a decent fellow. "
--Sidonie Gabrielle Colette, 1873-1954, French Author



Friday, February 18, 2005

More Good Stuff Than You Can Shake a Stick At

It has been, er, pointed out that if we are to discuss the cool stuff SOME of the people we know are doing [see indieIN below], it follows that we really should discuss the cool habits and so forth of ALL the people we know [at least as long as we can link to it.]

SLU [so, like, um], shall we begin?

In case anyone reading this doesn't know, eEvil Ink's very own Erich Schlieske is not the only Schlieske.
With that in mind.....

TODAY'S FEATURED SCHLIESKE IS........TINA!

Not to be missed live, Tina is just one of Erich's rock star sisters. Check her out at upcoming dates at SXSW and in Los Angeles.

3/19/2005
SXSW-Utne Reader Showcase at the Fox and HoundAustin, TX
4/2/2005
The Hotel Cafe - The Fallen Sisters of MercyLos Angeles, CA
5/7/2005
The Hotel Cafe - The Fallen Sisters of MercyLos Angeles, CA

Or listen to her stuff and get the whole story at www.tinabsides.com

............................................................

Moving on, we also think that anyone out there with a libido (read: adult human beings) should check out www.cocodemerusa.com. It's a little muy caliente for the office, so you may wish to wait till you get home to do your shopping for lingerie and other boudoir, er, accoutrements. But no one should miss an opportunity to visit the "world's most luxurious erotic emporium."

And, by the way, it's really a beautiful website...the best we've seen, well, since ours (www.eevil.org)! No really, it's much nicer...

Ok...I think that should keep you all busy for a while...






And The Award for Best Email Fwd of the Week

goes to Justine, for this updated twist on a classic lightbulb joke:

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its condition is improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are illusional spin from the liberal media. Illuminating rooms is hard work. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effort. Why do you hate freedom?

Introducing indieIN!

For those of you who have cleverly jumped on the indie film bandwagon, we'd like to introduce our new pal www.indieIN.com.

The brain child of our good friend (and talented writer) Michelle Bryant, indieIN.com puts moviephone and friendster in a blender to satisfy ALL your indie urges. The goal of indieIN is to help create an audience for independent film that extends beyond the typical urban areas.

Writes indieIN, [We] "refuse to believe that people who live on the coasts of the country are the only ones interested in seeing, learning and experiencing independent film."

So check it out. There are also some really cool banner ads from eEvil Ink on the site. Or well, we like them anway.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Rise and Shine Pix

Alright already, here are some pix from the Rise and Shine Show, including making our monster break-up card for Mr. Bush:





And some of our great new T-shirts: [www.eevil.org/t_shirts.html to see more]



And, at last, the event itself:


"Erich engages in exciting political debate."
[Rise and Shine T-shirts as pictured above on sale at www.eevil.org/t_shirts.html]




"Our t-shirts lay in wait; ready to strike at any moment."






Tuesday, January 25, 2005

eEvil Ink Tees and Cards At Pull My Daisy

eEvil Ink Tees and cards are now available at Pull My Daisy in Silverlake.

They've got a mix of good stuff including "Your Band Sucked Anyway," "Non-Committal, "and "The 80s are Back...Politically" tees, as well as break-up cards and (for those more romantically inclined) our brand spankin' new line of hook-up cards, red-hot and in time for the upcoming V-Day holiday.

Pull My Daisy
Open from noon to 7pm daily.
3908 Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90029-2242
T: 323 663 0608

Thanks To Y'All

Thanks to all the artists and others who helped make Rise and Shine : The Counter Inaugural Ball a success.

We had a great turn out, and would particularly like to thank all those who came to set-up and break-down the show, DJ Goodfoot for keeping the night moving, Lizi Ederi and Haziza Santa Monica for hosting the show, Aimee Hyatt for helping to get the word out, and all those who contributed to Direct Relief International's Tsunami Reflief Fund.

If you missed the show, but happen to be in Santa Monica, be sure to stop by and check out work that is still on display from Daphne Khoury and Jay Whitcomb, as well as fabulous (if we do say so ourselves) hand-printed T-shirts from eEvil Ink.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Rise and Shine To Contribute to Tsunami Relief Rund

It's Official!

The Counter Inaugural Ball will take place Saturday, January 15th, 2005, beginning at 6pm at Haziza Santa Monica, 1311a Montana Avenue, Santa Monica, CA 90403.

In lieu of a cover charge, we will be accepting donations for Direct Relief International's Tsunami Relief Fund. A southern California based non-profit organization, Direct Relief International has pledged that donations for tsunami relief will be used only for that purpose and not to cover administrative costs or other efforts.

For more information, please visit: http://www.directrelief.org


So donate what you can...and get ready for a night of art, live music, spoken word and more. (Plus complimentary refreshments...and yes, that includes booze). As of today, the line-up for the Counter Inaugural Ball includes:

Artists
Daphne Khoury
Jay Whitcomb
Bob Anthony
Sayoko

Photographers
Rebecca Wachtel

Oscar Jimenez
and others

Interactive art by
Sonik Mercury

Live music by
Shawn Pander

Jason Luckett
Tina Schlieske
Infrared Sunday

Spoken word and poetry by
Abraham Delacy

Emjay Olson
Michelle Bryant
and others

Also Featuring
DJ Goodfoot

And some smart ass stuff from
eEvil Ink Design


Rise and Shine is a group artists show that bridges the gap and unites all styles of art and expression. To learn more, read below...

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Rise and Shine

Ok boys and girls...time, date, and place have been more or less set for Rise and Shine: The Counter Inaugural Ball...although things are still subject to change...

Saturday January 15th 2005
Haziza Santa Monica
1311a Montana Avenue
Santa Monica CA 90403

6pm to midnight or....?

~Featuring~

*6 photographers *5 painters *4 musicians *4 poets *2 DJ's & we're still open to more

So mark yer calendars already and keep checking in for the lastest updates...


Wednesday, December 08, 2004

The Counter Inauguration Ball

Trying to do our bit for some good in the world (there can be no eevil without good), we're currently working with photographer Rebecca Wachtel to produce Rise and Shine: The Counter Inauguration Ball. To be held in Los Angeles on January 15th, (the date of the presidential inauguration) the event will feature artists, musicians, performers, and political speakers.

If you're interested in participating, read on.....

Counter Inaugural Ball

Come painters, photographers, word smiths, musicians and closet politicians- come everybody

...Rise and Shine... it’s time to defeat mediocrity and ignorance. It’s time to stimulate and re-invent a counter culture to regain our dignity and prove to the world that we're more than a bunch of Bush-loving, TV watching, overweight, environmentally ignorant, homophobic, religious, war-mongering boobs.

Let’s meet the best minds of ALL generations.....

We're still looking for artists and musicians who want to participate, anyone who would like to volunteer their time to set-up, people willing to talk about worthy political agendas, and more...if you have an idea or want to get involved....like, get on it already.....

Contact Rebecca Wachtel at rpurpleisis@earthlink.com
Or get a hold of us at suckitup@eevil.org or thatonecat@eevil.org

Un-Holiday Cards

Alright boys and girls.....hot off the presses and ready to send to your unwitting friends and family...our un-holiday cards are here and ready to spread holiday eevil.....