Thursday, December 29, 2005

NERDS. they used to be cool, what happened?

THOSE NERDS! They're affecting our movies, man. Haven't you noticed? I swear those tech-nerd-bastards swayed Lucas to the dark side of pure eye candy. Every movie you see now is a game friendly, gadget thrusting commercial for R*dio Sh*ck.

You see, nerds used to be cool when they read books and adjusted their belts and glasses interchangedly. Sure "interchangedly" is not a word- how did you know?
What is a nerd?

NERD: noun, informal: "a foolish or contemptible person who lacks social skills or is boringly studious." (1950's origin unknown)

Basically, when a test was coming up, you knew where to look. This is a cliche... a 1950's - to late 1980's cliche that died around grunge when Kurt Cobain arrived on the scene. Yeah, Elvis Costello broke some barriers but Kurt really killed it.

The nerd took solace in grunge. They found that they could finally wear their granny sweaters and big glasses while stepping out of their mother's basement for Mountain Dew and Fig Newtons without fear of a wedgee. You see, they may even be confused as a popular musician themselves:

"Why yes, I am in a band...I'm also a level 10 elf, but...I also play bass.., my good lady...hmmm"

Okay, they were cool, but now....what redeeming qualities do nerds have today? The 00's nerd is a real let down. They have no attention span. They don't seem to know a whole lot about anything except things they can't explain.

The 00's nerds consume and consume and consume, much like locusts...driving markets in every boring way that glitters. Mediocracy has won the war, with video games! F*cking nerds. Why can't they stand up, sit down and read again? Go back to being nerds, please.
Oh, jerks are really in now...

Monday, December 19, 2005

RIDIN' THE STORM OUT. (where was Rudolf?)

And then Santa awoke from his long blank journey of large empty nowhere.

Someone pulled Santa's memory switch to the "off" position last night.
It happened around 4:00 A.M., he reckens.

It had to have been soon after a few of the elves around the bar were chanting, "CHUG-A-LUG !! CHUG-A-LUG !!"

Santa's last thoughts were, "Hmmm, Rumplemintz does taste like candy canes!"

That's when oblivian crept in to Santa's brain and wiped it clean.

Santa's mouth on this morning was like a dark little cave with a dryed up turtle-head in it.

"Why is there an REO Speedwagen song in my head?"
Santa asked to no one.

Santa couldn't explain it. Santa could only assume that he had briefly joined REO last night in spirit. Or did he drive the sleigh there?

Santa was vexed.

Santa is thinking that this morning, he's going to pee sitting down...

Santa's going to need his hands to cradle his head as he sways it in self disparage...

So, how was your Christmas Party?




Friday, December 09, 2005


Tis the season- for office parties. The best thing you can do is sit back and watch as your comrades get wasted. Ecourage them to the copy machine...tell them the boss wants them. Whisper in their ear, "Man, you used to be cool! What happened...?"

If you've been planning on quitting, on the other hand, now is the time. Go out in style- or complete lack thereof. Try to end the night with wedgees for everyone! It may sweeten your memories as you while the time away in jail.

Tell us about your party! (xerox's okay to post)