Monday, March 21, 2005

Your Screenplay Sucked Anyway

Here in Los Angeles, a town where everyone is trying to get in with the industry, you gotta say it like it is.

Now on the racks at Arclight Cinema's gift shop, eEvil Ink "Your Screenplay Sucked Anyway" tees are the ONLY thing you should wear to the wrap party for that low-budget excuse for filmmaking you just spent two weeks of your life hustling over without respectible craft-services.

Soon to join their "Screenplay Sucked" brethren ~ "Your Movie Sucked Anyway" and "Your Audition Sucked Anyway" will be on the shelves later this week. Also soon-to-be available at the Arclight, an assortment of our lovely break-up cards.

Arclight Cinemas
6360 W Sunset Blvd (between Vine and Ivar, with DeLongpre to the south) Los Angeles, CA
T: 323-464-1478

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

The History of the Top Hat

From renowned fashion historian John Berendt:

[The] "top hat caused a riot the first time it was seen in London. The perpetrator was a haberdasher name John Hetherington, who designed it, made it and was the first person to wear it into the street. According to a contemporary newspaper account, passersby panicked at the sight.

Several women fainted, children screamed, dogs yelped, and an errand boy’s arm was broken when he was trampled by the mob.

Hetherington was hauled into court for wearing 'a tall structure having a shining luster calculated to frighten timid people.'

It was much ado about nothing, really; Hetherington had merely concocted a silk-covered variation of the contemporary riding hat, which had a wider brim, a lower crown, and was made of beaver. There was initial resistance to Hetherington’s silk topper from those who wanted to continue wearing beaver hats. But in 1850 Prince Albert started wearing top hats made of "hatter’s plush" (a fine silk shag), and that effectively settled the questions; coincidentally it also all but wiped out the beaver-trapping industry in America. "

And we say, if that's not eEvil, what the hell is?

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Advantages of the Cape

In a world filled with jackets, coats, and even so-called hoodies, the cape has long been ignored as a choice for keeping off the cold and stepping out in style.

Imagine the entrance you would make at your favorite watering hole if you gave up your trite hipster jacket and exchanged it for a long black cape (hood optional). We believe you would find yourself to be the instant (and profoundly gratified) talk of the joint.

While the fashion-forwardness of the cape is an important consideration, we would also like to point out that the cape also has certain, er, eEvil advantages to other outerwear.

Number one: It's almost impossible for anyone to know what you have under that thing. It is ideal for masking an uncomely handbag or man-bag, a variety of salty snacks, and any other items you might find helpful in making your night (or day) a success, including but not limited to: important business documents, a change of attire, cigarettes, your coin purse, rope, and small furry mammals.

Number two: In addition to masking things, the cape also masks less than flattering aspects of you. Have you recently found that your stomach, behind, or the unwholesome growth on your right arm have started to expand? We say, why waste your time on exercise or ointments, when you can simply hide away your unseemly parts beneath a cape!

Recommended cape accessories include stove-pipe hats, elaborately waxed moustaches, and eEvil Ink t-shirts. A certain amount of chest hair and chutzpah is also suggested.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Cultivating Your Stink Eye

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept of the evil eye it is "the name for a sickness transmitted by someone who is envious, jealous, or covetous. It is also called the invidious eye and the envious eye...The evil eye belief is that a person -- otherwise not malific in any way -- can harm you, your children, your livestock, or your fruit trees, by looking at them..."

Here at eEvil Ink, we prefer the term "stink eye" to "evil eye." This variation on the term encompasses a greater range of the senses, implying that the eye not only looks foul, but contains a pungent smell.

And we work constantly to cultivate our stink eye powers! Of course, we ourselves are immune to the stink eye, since we stink eye each other back and forth to the point where we can simply laugh it off or, occasionlly, engage in a stink eye battle, wherein the curse to be transmitted gets caught in the middle of our locked stinky gazes and falls helplessly to the floor.

Still, we find our skills quite helpful in the face of slow-witted cashiers, most Los Angeles-area motor vehicle drivers, and certain round-bellied neighbors. Should you wish to cultivate your own stink eye powers, we recommend the following regimen:

1. While having dinner with friends, transporting yourself on a bus or train, or at the office, close your eyes and then open them as suddenly and widely as possible.

2. Direct your gaze towards your target.

3. Gradually, squint one eye while arching the brow of the other. (Note: you will soon learn whether you're a righty or a lefty.)

4. While it is not strictly necessary, and certainly not for amatuers, a sneer or curl of the lip adds an extra urgency to the stench of your stink eye.

5. With the remaining fully opened eye (the one under the arched brow) unblinkingly stare at the object of your curse with as much hatred and and anger as you can muster. Draw from your childhood or teenage experiences if necessary.

6. Sustain as long as possible.

7. If you do not find instant results, never fear! We are quite sure your victim will remember your stinky gaze.

In the meantime, and we cannot emphasize this enough, practice, practice, practice! Soon, it will become a natural reflex, like breathing or tying your victims to railroad tracks.

Please note: DO NOT practice this in the mirror, unless you can duck with extraordinary speed and agility. It is possible you will become the victim of your own stench.

And truly, it is foul.

If for some reason you are unable to perfect your stink eye technique, may we also reccomend choosing one of our break-up cards for your victim? We believe you will find that giving someone a card that reads "later f*cker" or "your band sucked anyway" will also achieve the desired effect.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Vacationing for the Masses

Even villains long for a bit of a get-away now and again, riding the rails to their secret lairs; sunning themselves casually by the pool with a mai tai, sorting out their plots for world domination, reading absurdly long New Yorker articles; snorkeling from time to time.

Apparently, though, the rest of the world prefers to travel en masse, all going to the same destinations. According to the American Society of Travel Agents, for the socially, er, challenged, the North American places to avoid are as follows:

Top 5 Destinations For Skiing:

1. Vail.
2. Whistler, B.C.
3. Park City.
4. Salt Lake City.
5. Jackson Hole

Top 5 Destinations For Shopping:

1. New York City
2. Chicago
3. Locally
4. Las Vegas
5. Mall of America/Minneapolis (If you happen to be in Minnesota, you should also take the time to have a tacone at Cone Eddie's Cone Shack. You won't be disappointed.)

Top 15 Winter Vacation Destinations:

With Kids:

1. Orlando
2. Disney : Disney general
3. Disney World
4. Disney Land

Couples Under 40:

1. Cancun
2. Caribbean
3. Mexico
4. Hawaii
5. Las Vegas

Couples Over 60:

1. Cruises
2. Hawaii
3. Florida
4. Las Vegas
5. Caribbean

SLU (so, like, um) we won't be seeing you there...

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Joining the eEvil Empire

It may surprise some of you to learn that, here at eEvil Ink, we actually do more than sit around and come up with funny cards and crack ourselves up. Yes, there are days like that, but plenty of other days where we have to go around acting like we run a business. Today, we decided we'd finally get our UPC sh*t together. Not that big of a deal really, just a little investment in time and money. The kicker is how much information those little monsters hold and how much they mean to the outside world.

For those of you who don't know your barcodes from your neighborhood bars, a bit of a primer:

UPC stands for universal product code. After you cough up your bucks, you're assigned a manufacturer number, so all the world knows who the hell made that thing you're holding. That's just the first six digits. The next six digits describe what the hell that thing you're holding is.

Now if people were barcoded, we'd all have our parents' manufacturers numbers, as well as a series of six digits that described the key elements about us--we could go around scanning each other and there would be no more mystery in the world. You would never have to say, what the f*ck is wrong with that guy? It'd be written all over his face.

And of course, you'd also know how many of him have been sold and whether or not you should re-order. If he is an eEvil Ink product, the answer of course is, yes, you should re-order and damn it, buy twice as many this time.