How Many Trains Will It Take??

Don't look so shocked. This is you for the next four months or so...

Sometimes we all have to make plans to go home for the holidays. We are all bound to our holday train tracks, are we not? Perhaps you need to refresh yourself with the train schedules...

* Triptofan Express - Nov. 24th
(we urge you to watch your own caboose on this day, it may mysteriously double in size)

* Magical Gift-Giving-Fatman Express - Dec. 24 & Dec. 25th
Caution: there is so much of this express, they couldn't make all the stops in 1 day. The true story for this train goes something like this: Daddy asked Mommy if he could have you over for a christmas dinner at his new house -- with his new girlfriend, Brenda, who was once his secretary. They worked it out for you. This is just the beginning of your guilty feelings for this holiday. Perhaps you should buy yourself a flask for this trip?

* Chanukuh Express - Dec 25th, this year.
This train is super long and suprisingly runs on one drop of oil, very efficient. Eight days, non-stop- this one! There is a lot of gambling going in the dreidel car. Be sure to bring plenty of chocolate coins, no one wants the other stuff. Try for "GIMEL". But, besides all the fun gambling there comes a lot of guilt. You will find that all these trains run on guilt. Again, a good flask runs about $25 to $35. (I say you splurge for the $40 dollar one)

These are only a few trains that I'm aware of...
There is another. The Festivous Express. I am on board for this one, it's a straight shooter. Invented by Frank Costanza of Queens; it starts Dec 23rd and basically involves telling everyone around the table how they've wronged you through the year and is concluded with a battle by the gleaming metal pole called "Feats of Strength".

Sounds firmiliar...

What train are you looking for??