Friday, March 04, 2005

Cultivating Your Stink Eye

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept of the evil eye it is "the name for a sickness transmitted by someone who is envious, jealous, or covetous. It is also called the invidious eye and the envious eye...The evil eye belief is that a person -- otherwise not malific in any way -- can harm you, your children, your livestock, or your fruit trees, by looking at them..."

Here at eEvil Ink, we prefer the term "stink eye" to "evil eye." This variation on the term encompasses a greater range of the senses, implying that the eye not only looks foul, but contains a pungent smell.

And we work constantly to cultivate our stink eye powers! Of course, we ourselves are immune to the stink eye, since we stink eye each other back and forth to the point where we can simply laugh it off or, occasionlly, engage in a stink eye battle, wherein the curse to be transmitted gets caught in the middle of our locked stinky gazes and falls helplessly to the floor.

Still, we find our skills quite helpful in the face of slow-witted cashiers, most Los Angeles-area motor vehicle drivers, and certain round-bellied neighbors. Should you wish to cultivate your own stink eye powers, we recommend the following regimen:

1. While having dinner with friends, transporting yourself on a bus or train, or at the office, close your eyes and then open them as suddenly and widely as possible.

2. Direct your gaze towards your target.

3. Gradually, squint one eye while arching the brow of the other. (Note: you will soon learn whether you're a righty or a lefty.)

4. While it is not strictly necessary, and certainly not for amatuers, a sneer or curl of the lip adds an extra urgency to the stench of your stink eye.

5. With the remaining fully opened eye (the one under the arched brow) unblinkingly stare at the object of your curse with as much hatred and and anger as you can muster. Draw from your childhood or teenage experiences if necessary.

6. Sustain as long as possible.

7. If you do not find instant results, never fear! We are quite sure your victim will remember your stinky gaze.

In the meantime, and we cannot emphasize this enough, practice, practice, practice! Soon, it will become a natural reflex, like breathing or tying your victims to railroad tracks.

Please note: DO NOT practice this in the mirror, unless you can duck with extraordinary speed and agility. It is possible you will become the victim of your own stench.

And truly, it is foul.

If for some reason you are unable to perfect your stink eye technique, may we also reccomend choosing one of our break-up cards for your victim? We believe you will find that giving someone a card that reads "later f*cker" or "your band sucked anyway" will also achieve the desired effect.

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